"I was scared, confused, worried and scared for my wife and I," said Omar Hajo, a torture survivor who now uses gardening as a healing method.
Born and raised in Damascus, Syria, into a large family of six children, he lives in an apartment with a large garden and farm outside the city.
Being in nature has always been part of his youth and something that Omar appreciates because he is so close to his family.
"Our grandmother came to visit us every morning," he said, "and we all spent time in our gardens or in the yard."
“She loves being in nature and giving that love to me and my brothers and sisters.
“We can't wait to see them every morning, full of anticipation and we can't wait to go out to the park.
"My grandmother and I love all plants. We grew sweet corn and beans, and we also had apple, pear, peach and apricot trees that we climbed and enjoyed.
"After we collected the fruit and vegetables, we brought them back to my mother and she cooked everything we brought her."
Those "happy" moments were a big part of his childhood and his memories of planting the first cotton seed will be "always with him".
Omar grew up and found work abroad to avoid conscription. However, that all changed when he returned to Syria from Lebanon in 2016 to meet his wife.
He remembers: "I was at the Syrian border, at the immigration office. The clerk asked me to go behind the counter and said: 'I realized something was wrong when I saw you.'"
“Then he asked me to empty my pocket and hand over the car keys to my wife.
“I knew something bad was going to happen and it stopped me for no reason. We were shocked.
"They didn't tell me where to take me. He threatened my wife and said that if she didn't go, he would arrest her too.
Omar said the experience was unusual and he knew the wrong people were being held at the border.
Unfortunately, this actually happened to one of his cousins and his children - to this day it is unknown if they are still alive.
"I didn't know what to expect, it was like a huge black hole and I fell into it. They made me feel like nothing, absolutely useless," he recalls.
The worst part is that I know that no one can help me because you have no rights in Syria: the officials do what they want, with whom they want and they don't need an excuse to throw you in a dark prison. "
Omar was taken to a maximum security prison, placed in solitary confinement and searched, then given "number nine" as a sign.
"They take away all your dignity so you don't feel like a human being anymore, it's offensive."
They spent two weeks in a cell without lights and on a concrete bed. He could hear through the walls the tortured people as their screams were filtered out. He saw people return after being tortured and unable to walk.
He said, "The guards started accusing me of financing terrorism and torturing me every day, but I prayed at night. I try to keep hope."
“They took me to two other safe places and then to court where the judge decided that I was innocent and that I could leave.
"I'm so relaxed and can't wait to meet my wife, but I know I can't be too excited, not until I'm local. I was getting out of jail and coming back when I was stopped again at the security check and all my fears have returned.
“The police at the checkpoint did not consider the court documents sufficient and my name was not removed from the system.
"I was sent back to prison, but luckily my stepfather managed to strike a deal with someone from the government and the next day they finally released me."
Shocked and scared, she fled to London to meet a friend who offered her permanent residence and applied for asylum in January 2017.
“When I arrived in London in January 2017, I had a huge crowd at the airport. He said I was telling a great story and no matter what I explained he refused to believe what I was living in Syria.
"I was so scared of what I just went through, and then the immigration officials made it worse.
"Can I live in England? Will they fire me? What will happen to me if they do? Is my wife safe? Will I be tortured again, even killed?"
“I spent the night at the airport asking myself these questions and the next day I was taken to jail.
"It gave me many flashbacks in prisons. No more high walls, no more closed doors, everything reminds me of what I just experienced in Syria.
Although Omar was taken to a detention center and feared further persecution, his friend took him and gave him a home until he was granted asylum.
Then his family doctor referred him to Freedom from Torture, an organization that provides treatment to torture survivors.
Then at the end.
“It took me a long time to settle down and feel safe - I've had a lot of flashbacks and nightmares - but once I started meeting people in FFT it helped me feel better because I've talked to people who have had similar experiences.
"It was a slow process, but it helped me a lot."
She said: "When I got to the FFT, I immediately resumed the treatment of her garden and in the end I felt like myself again.
“I learned new things about gardening and planted vegetables, flowers and herbs. It was a team effort, we all got involved in gardening and together we built a safe area.
“Gardening brings back positive memories of my childhood, freedom, climbing apple trees and time spent with my family.
“It really helped me bring trauma, stress, anxiety and happiness back into my life.
“The garden sessions gave me a safe and friendly place without judgment and I was able to share stories with other people who have been abused.
“Their story makes me feel that I am not alone - and that there are others who suffer similar injustices at the hands of their governments and their peoples.
“I relive the experience in my head and constantly remember what the jailer said to me: 'Don't go back to Syria'.
"I find that the more time I spend gardening, the less stress and depression I have."
Creating communities through gardening gave Omar hope and was instrumental in the psychological treatment of the horrors he faced.
His wife was unable to accompany him to Britain until September 2019, a few years after his arrival.
Omar said: “I have learned and shared so much with gardening groups and I will always be grateful for the hope and happiness they have given me and for the bond they have given me to my homeland, where I will never be able to return.
"Now I'm looking back on my first crop from England. It was the sunflower and I realized how important it was. I learned that sunflowers are synonymous with optimism, positivity and peace."
"this is how I feel now."
If you are interested in the issues raised in the article, you can contact Freedom from Torture and make a donation for their life-changing work here. They conduct trauma-focused therapies to reduce the effects of torture, such as counseling, gardening, baking, exercise, art, music, and creative writing.
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